the darndest things

As we leave the bar she holds my hand tightly. She seems to have enjoyed herself with my friends. More so, than I even. Sometimes we can get into some petty arguments, blame it on the beer or just the frustration for not being the mental geniuses we once belived we were. Steve can always rule the talk with finding a way to argue with you. She was great with him. She agreed with him when she could stand her ground and just smiled and nodded at the circus monkey when she knew he would just get louder to make his point, losing all form of logic.I just wanted to leave after awhile. I am very comforted by being with her. Before I would have told her a thousand times in so many creative ways. This is when I was single and I had no one, and if I did I would raise her on a pedestal and shower her with my fancy loving words.My sister says I talk too much when I am with girls. I say too much and scare them away. I dont think they feared commitment, I just think they felt uncomfortable with compliments. Girls are like that, or so I am told by other girls. They ask for it and they hate it when they get it too much. I watch sitcoms and think I would never be in that spot, the man who is so aloof to the womens needs. I am just overkill, and I wouldnt make a funny sitcom.So, I have become like my dad, quiet. The woman is the super lover and I have become talkative with just a grin of contentment.She asks me for the keys, she knows I have had more than her, in fact I have had a considerable amount more. I am not drunk just a little funny. I am in that drunken state where I can say things without abandon and I feel generally content with my life, I will find something to bitch about in the morning. I hold her in the parking lot, and dance with her to the music of the passing cars and nearby drunken banter.I am a Christian, she is loosely. I went to bible college but it obvously hasnt made me a moral giant. When it comes to sex I want it but I do want to wait until marriage. I am not a 30 year old virgin, but I am older and wiser and realize the idea of self control.Now, she is coming in with me. I am wondering if I should just be honest with her, we have never been in this situation before. Also, I am a little loaded so my desire to devour her could be easily shot if she whispers in my ear the right way.Once we are in the house, I embrace her very tenderly. I am a big guy so I pretty much swallow her. I loosen the embrace just so that our eyes can meet. I lean in to peck her on the mouth. The kiss is so soft and warm that it seems like these lips were made for one another. No tongue, just lips molding to one another. I love to kiss this way.I remember my first French kiss. I was in the 7th grade and I met her out by the buses. All of our friends were there. Everyone knew that his was my first kiss, but not hers. She had to make the move, I was too nervous. When she did it was like a giant cow tongue, one of those you see at the butchers, was just shoved into my mouth except wet DAMN WET! And I could hardly move my jaw.Once I pulled away to examine her reaction to our intimate moment together I saw her smile just slightly. I watched as her eyes danced into mine and then away so bashfully. Right now, I love her. This is our second date, but I love her. Hell, who knows what love is, if it truly is just a huge overwhelming feeling then I got it right here.In this gaze I know I have complete control over her. She is mine, she cant move because she is romanced by the embrace, the kiss, the two breaths filled with smoke and our libations that mesh in a sweet smell that wont soon be forgotten but rather it will bring us back to this moment that we are standing here.This damn thing is sounding like a romance novel.I ask her if she is tired, I tell her I will take the couch. I dont want her driving another 20 minutes home. Even if she took the expressway its just too dangerous.She makes a face like she wants me with her tonight, I explain my reason and then kiss her, this time a little more passionately. This was probably a bad idea. I pull away with a full grin and a huge breath, relieving myself from the moment that could lead further.Other than my faith, I also just dont want to wind up scaring the hell out of the girl when she hears me snore like a bear. Because I do, I snore like a choking grizzly.I give her some clothes to change into, we have our moment of wishing I could break the rules. I then leave her to sleep.I try to stay awake in case she is still awake, but the beer has made me very sleepy, also I am elated and drift very simply into sleep.The next morning I awake to a cold house. I bundle up even more. I am glad to be on my couch and have no where to be this morning. It is such an amazing feeling to awake knowing that you can revisit the sandman at any moment and know you are not missing any pressing appointments.Then I realize that I am on the couch because I had a visitor who should be in my bedroom. Its like Christmas morning suddenly. She is right behind those doors. Also, I get to see her when she is sleeping.I have always loved to see girls sleeping. When I was a boy and my sister would have slumber parties that would always rule the house. I felt so awkward and incomplete around them, as a young pubescent boy should. But when I awoke before them, they were stunning. They were no longer loud, abrasive, shit talking, know it all bitches who made all sorts of noises I could not understand. They were suddenly pleasant and silent, weak but endearing. They scent was unique, but in a way that made me feel at peace, because they were at peace. I remember watching over them while they slept, feeling as if I was their protector.Now I would see that lovely girl, the one I had kissed the night before. She would be wearing a pair of my boxers and my Gaither High School baseball shirt, which although I graduated from the school I bought this shirt 7 years later at a thrift store for nostalgic purposes. Honestly, dress a girl up in fine jewels and Versace if you wish, but any girl sporting my t-shirt and little more can light my fire.I crept open the door in silence so that I may see her in her vulnerable beauty.The bed was empty.I looked at my alarm clock, 11:00 am, DAMNIT! No wonder she left, she probably has something to do on a Saturday morning. Then I thought, SHIT, what if she heard me snoring and left in fear I would inhale her with my next monstrous breath?!?!I think most people feel this way after a night of sex, I figured I would have avoided that by sleeping on the couch.Defeated I call Elwood, my dog, to go pee. Then the door opens with Elwood and my evening guest. At first she scares the shit out fo me because I was standing in fromt of the door sliding my feet into my birks and scratching my balls, a normal morning ritual. I dont even have time to react as Elwood is at my feet and she is grinning from ear to ear. She likes me, even after the beer has worn off. The 2nd date was a winner and our evening of smooching and separate sleeping was a success. I am stunned, when once I saw her absent from my bed my mind had been made up that she had taken off in displeasure.My second thought was ‘oh, don’t be awkward with her’. I was standing there without a clue how to touch her and make thigns normal. But she was there, and she made it better. Her palm was planted against my chest as if to ask me to move my way down to meet lips. They met we laughed about morning breath and the pleasantries began, almost like a disbelief of our pleasure over the evening. She shared with me how much she appreciated my insisting on separate beds, it was gentlemanly and chivalrous. Im thinking, hell yes!! I almost want to attack her now. We were good last night, lets reward ourselves. I dont think I have ever been so horny then right now. Its a pure horny, does that make sense? I dont think it does so, I am so entranced by this girl and her sweetness and the only way I know how to say it is to celebrate the morning with sweet passion. However, I ask her to come sit on the couch with me so that we can, the time to cuddle is now. She says she needs to get cleaned up and go and visit her mother.I am thinking I could hang out with her, meet her mother and make a day of it. However, this is not what my sister told me to do. This was another warning of my sister, take it slowly.I quickly lie and tell her I have some family things to do also to avoid an invite. Immediately I ask her what her evening plans are. She says she will be with her mother for awhile, but she would call me if she was free.Hell yes, I will be free.I walk her to her car. I feel a pride as if my neighbors are looking out their windows to watch me walk a girl out of my house and into a car that had been there all night. I look like a normal man, and I no longer need to worry about people thinking I am gay. ..She kisses me very softly, and like the 7th grade I get an erection quicker than I can move away from her to avoid her detection. I shyly laugh and she gets into her car, I lean down to see her in her car and of course to avoid any future shows for my interested neighbors. She drives away.I am still leaning over.Damn boners! I remember the first time I slow danced with a girl and it happened, I felt trapped. I had no idea how to avoid it. I imagined being the girl and suddenly feeling something hard growing up aginst you, while the boy sweatingly smiles at the wall.I pulled the girl away and my hard on had reached full status, and now I was literally poking the girl. Especially as I stood there and my father who was dancing with my mother at the same wedding bumps into me, my sword jams into her. My face goes white and my eyes grow wide and I excuse myself to the restroom. As soon as the girl is away from my touch, her scent absent, the tent had been packed. Yet, my eyes would certainly not meet hers again that evening. At one point they did, and I got a little grin from my dance partner. I thought, WHAT??? SHE LIKED IT???? Hell, I wished I had known that. That would have been the dance of my life. I also began to think she was kind of loose. I was only in middle school at the time, how did she know what that was? When you think about it, any other option would mean I was housing reptiles in my pocket, and she should scream! I guess I should be thankful.It wasnt until I was a junior in college when a girl I had been dating was kissing me for the 2nd time and I tried to respect her by NOT poking her, she kept moving in for it. Imagine that scene.So, I go to lay down on my couch and enjoy a Saturday of slacking off, something I hold very dear. It is especially nice because my darling just walked my dog, I have nothing to do. It was a wonderful thing to see her doing a chore of mine. Saturdays are the worst day to walk the mutt. I dont want to go out, I want to stay in and catch the very first movie edited for TV I can find, oh TBS you complete me.This cherished moment begins, as Elwood my best friend for 10 years hops up and spoons with me as he always does brings me warmth and dog smell. How I wished she would come in to the door and take the place of my canine friend. I grab the remote and find the TV Gods have chosen Armageddon for my viewing pleasure.5 minutes go by and I realize I have done nothing but think about her.This is bad, within those 5 minutes I have met her family, married her, had children, seen them graduate college, played with grandchildren while still enjoying a glass of wine together and confessing to her how beautiful she remains in my eyes ( I must tell her that, always, I must remind her of that. I will not be another Ray Barrone) and I realize how foolish I am. I feel ashamed. I have done exactly what I always do, think too damn much. This is love though, right? Falling for her!! AFTER THE 2ND DATE, you idiot!!!! I try to control it, I try to focus on the movie and its lack of dialogue and constant scene and camera changes by music. I think to myself how easy it would be to produce any weak script as long as I cut to a great shot and dynamic music after every line. I wonder if the camera was really in their faces all of the time like it seems, or if the zoom was used a lot.I then remember a girl a dated who said I reminded her of Ben Affleck in the face. Lets get this straight, I am 265 lbs. 6’4″ and not athletic, she was trying to be kind. The problem is that I think Affleck is a schmuck, but good looking.So, now I am Ben and she is Liv, lovely Liv. Amazing that anything that gorgeous could come from Steven Tyler. I have animal crackers going down her navel, and my Australian accent is just as good. And we I sing to her right before I save the world, and she loves me. About 3 hours later I have called several friends and told them of my smittenness. Some say I have found my wife, I play it off like I havent even thought that far in advance,No, but she is really cool, man. I am breaking all of the rules my wise sister has warned me of.